How Skydiving Changed My Life
“God placed the best things in life on the other side of fear.” — Will Smith
For almost 10 years, I had dreamt of skydiving. Like many others, skydiving had always been at the top of my bucket list, but I never “had the chance to do it.” I put this statement in air quotes because I came to realize that it wasn’t because I never had the chance to do it, I just never wanted to do it enough to put in the effort in making it happen. I had a desire to skydive, but the fear center in my amygdala would kick in and I would think of a million reasons not to, including the risk of serious injury or death. A few years ago, I returned home to America to visit my mom and I had some time to go skydiving. I had done some research, looked up the skydiving center by my house and almost booked an appointment. Almost. I kept going back and forth and saying, “okay, they have plenty of times, I can book this later”. Later became later and later until my last week in America and I decided that I didn’t have enough time to go skydiving since I had to prepare and gather all my things to fly back to Vietnam. That was as close as I got to skydiving.
This summer, I flew home to America again to visit my mom and to spend time with our new family after she had remarried. My mom told her husband about my dream to skydive and as someone who had gone skydiving many times, he was ecstatic for me. We had many discussions about it and I said, “well, I’m only here for a few weeks. I want to do it, but I’m not sure if I’ll have the time and mental capacity to commit to something like this.” He said, “Whatchu mean you don’t have enough time? Skydiving takes like two seconds!”
About five days after I arrived home, I received a message in my inbox from Skydive Midwest stating that an appointment and deposit had been made for me to go skydiving. My heart dropped. Again, my fear center took over and negative thoughts rushed through my mind. Is this real? Wait, do I have to go through with it now? I’m not ready for this. I had a week and a half to get my mind right. My mom told me that everyone in the house thought I wouldn’t actually go through with it, that I’m just all talk. For those who know me really well, I don’t back down from a challenge. Depending on the situation, I know many may say “don’t give in to external/social pressures” but in this case, external pressures motivated me to go through with it. This had always been the case in my life. If you say I can’t do it, I’m going to do everything possible to go beyond what you thought I could/couldn’t do.
I’m really good at compartmentalizing my emotions, but for a week and a half, I was living in and out of fear and anxiety. I would try not to think about it because thinking about jumping out of an airplane made me completely shut down; I was ridden with fear. As the days came closer, I realized I had to confront this fear mentally before I get on that plane. The day before I went skydiving, I had to read and sign the waiver and let me tell you, it was detailed and extensive. Knowing that skydiving can cause serious injuries or death is common, but to actually read the words “I understand that I could die by participating in such activities…” and then signing your name next to that statement takes your mind to another level.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I was in and out of sleep, constantly waking up panicking and by morning, I was completely exhausted. I went downstairs to tell my mom and her husband about my anxiety and that I couldn’t even sleep last night and they said “it’s okay if you don’t want to do it, you can always do it next year when you come back.” I thought, this is ridiculous. I’m too close to my goal, why would I put this off another year when everything can happen right now? It was a constant battle in my mind, going back and forth about whether I’m going to go through with this. The most important factor that finally pushed me to go was this: if I don’t go, if I put this off until next year, which might not even happen, I’m going to regret this because this opportunity is right in front of my face right now. And that feeling of regret was worse than my fear of jumping. I knew for a fact that I would feel like absolute shit if I didn’t go through with this now. Finally, I said “fuck it” and decided I’m going to jump out of an airplane today.
The entire way to Skydiving Midwest, onto the airplane, and waiting for us to reach 13,000 feet, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was panicking and was consumed by my fear and anxiety. I started doing breathing exercises which helped a little… but not really because I would be the first to jump. I watched the light turn red — 13,000 feet, then yellow — doors open, then green — we’re up. It was a split second but I remember looking out and saying “fuck it, just let go of whatever you’re feeling and jump. Let’s see what happens.”
So we jumped.
The first five seconds of free-falling was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I could feel my organs scrambling all over the place and I could sense the confusion in my mind as it tried to understand what was happening to my body. I felt sick to my stomach. But then after the five seconds of free falling, something amazing happened. I started to feel the most free I had ever felt in my entire life. I felt pure joy and bliss from the amazement before my eyes; I was shocked and speechless. After the parachute was pulled and we were just floating in the sky, I remember just taking everything in and not even responding with appropriate words when my instructor asked me how I was doing. I kept saying, “this is incredible, I can’t… I can’t even use my words.” It went by so quickly, faster than I thought it would. Isn’t it funny? Initially, I just wanted it to be over, then when I was in that moment, I didn’t want it to end.
The real change happened when I processed what I accomplished.
For days after making that jump, I just journaled and wrote down all of my thoughts. I reflected on the entire experience and how it connects to my life and my relationships with other people. The biggest lesson I learned from skydiving is not a new one; it’s simply letting go of my fears and embracing what happens next, even if I might not know what it is yet.
I found that skydiving related to these three parts of my life:
My personal growth:
Many people perceive me as a very happy and energetic person. So when I wrote about my depression and suicide attempts, many friends were shocked because they had no idea that I was going through such mental turmoil. For a long time, I struggled with my depression because I was a very dark person inside, but I felt the expectations to be who people thought I was, and that’s a happy, upbeat, and ambitious Jessica. I was afraid that if I wasn’t what people thought I was, then who would I be? I thought I knew me, but I hadn’t figured out who I was yet. Everything I was had been built by what my parents wanted me to be, what my teachers wanted me to be, what my friends wanted me to be, what my partners wanted me to be. And this was not on them, this was on me because I was a people pleaser, I wanted to make everyone happy. So learning to let go of this part of my identity was excruciating. Even now, I still struggle with some of these ideas, but I no longer say to myself “well, I’m a people pleaser, that’s just who I am” because I am not that person anymore.
Now, I’m learning to let go of those fears so I can figure out who I really am and get to know me. I came to the realization that I am the most important person to myself, and becoming one with myself will be a life-long journey.
My work:
When I decided to give up my stable paying teaching job in Baltimore, uproot my life and move to Vietnam, I had a lot of fears. What if I fail out there? What if I’m not as good of a teacher as I think I am? What if it doesn’t work out and I have to come back home? There were so many what ifs that clouded my mind, but ultimately, I knew that I had to do this. I had always wanted to teach abroad and to have that international education experience, which meant I had to let go of those “what ifs” and just dive in.
People who constantly strive for the best live in fear; fear of failure and disappointment. That was my state of mind. I had to do well in school, I had to get a good job, I had to make enough money, I had to live up to everyone’s expectations and perceptions of me. While this fear motivated me professionally, I am learning to let go of those fears and to just embrace my capabilities so that I am good enough for myself. Looking back, I think that deep down, I knew I would be okay, and regardless of what happened, it would be a valuable experience for me. The problem was convincing my mind to believe that and forcing my focus out of my amygdala and into my prefrontal cortex. Once I made that leap, well, it changed my life.
My relationships:
Friendships –
Making friends has always been natural for me as an extreme extrovert, but developing quality and sustainable friendships haven’t always worked out. When you’re like me and want to be friends with everyone, inevitably you lose the quality of possible friendships. The first few years of being in Vietnam, I was probably friends with half of Saigon’s expat and Viet Kieu community. But on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least sustainable and 10 being the most, I probably only had a few friends who ranged from 7–9 if I’m being honest.
I realized that my perception of friendships and my behaviors were not aligned. While I knew that there was no possible way for me to sustain all of these friendships while focusing on myself and furthering my education and career, I continued doing the things I was doing because I had major FOMO (fear of missing out — trust me, it’s a real thing). I was stuck in the mindset that my friends were bonding and making memories without me, and I so desperately wanted to be a part of that. I thought that sustaining good friendships meant showing up to every event and every outing. What I didn’t realize was that the quality of social interactions at these large gatherings and parties was substandard. Don’t get me wrong, I love social gatherings and partying, but I began to recognize that I was doing it so much that many of those nights started to blend together, blurring out real memories that were even made. I was simply doing it too much and the experiences were nullified by over-satiation.
When I turned 30, I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life because deep down, I was unhappy with the way I was living despite all the fun I had going out. I went on a social cleanse for a few months and when I came back, I felt that my FOMO had lessened. I started to tighten up my social circle, only reaching out and spending time with people I really wanted to spend time with, and I found that every time I hung out with specific people that I wanted to hang out with, my level of happiness increased. I had more one on ones and small group hangouts, and every interaction was valuable to me; I always went home feeling full and refreshed rather than drained. Just like skydiving, letting go of my FOMO led me to better quality interactions with my long-term friends and in turn, a better quality of life.
Romantic Relationship –
Having been through many types of relationships, I thought I knew all there was to know. I thought I knew what love was supposed to be, until I met my current partner. Being with someone so different from me was frightening. It’s normal for humans to fear uncertainty, and that state of mind was my constant because I was so unsure of where this would go. In almost every relationship I’ve been in, I always knew if it was going to last or not, and if I felt like it wasn’t going to last very long, I would exit as quickly as I’d enter. Needless to say, I’ve also made a lot of mistakes, ones that I’m not very proud of. But ultimately, every action has led me here, and reflecting on my behaviors has taught me a lot about who I was.
As someone who always needed to have a sense of control, I was really struggling with the uncertainty of my new relationship in its first year. Our personalities were so different, how could this possibly work down the road? I’m getting too old to just be dating around now, so if this isn’t going to go anywhere, why am I wasting my time? I was constantly living in my fear center and every time I was confronted with a challenge, I would want to give up and leave. That was my automated response — flight. My partner was the first person to ever point this out to me, and initially, his observation completely shocked me. I had wired my brain to leave because “I’m not putting up with this shit” and “I’m too good for this.” What I didn’t realize at the time was that these challenges were placed there so that I could grow out of that mindset and develop better control of my amygdala. Fear is there to protect you — that’s why we have that part of our brain. It senses an uncomfortable or dangerous situation and tells you to either fight, flight, or freeze. Because I was focusing too much on my fear center, it became my automated response when I’m faced with a challenge in relationships. I began to slowly work on this part of my brain, and with the help of my partner, I was able to slowly move out of that fear center and learn strategies to help me move into my prefrontal cortex where logic and clear decision-making takes place. I also realized that despite having completely opposite personalities, we had very similar principles and values, and those principles and values only grew stronger together — that’s what matters in the end. So for the first time in my life, I started to feel like I was truly independent in a partnership. I could fully be myself and do all of the things I want to do, and it was okay that my partner didn’t share similar, external interests. If anything, being with someone so opposite of me allowed me to learn and gain new perspectives of life and the world around me.
I’m going to include this excerpt from a letter I wrote to my partner as the best way to sum up how skydiving connects to our relationship:
Our relationship has been kind of like that; the first year was full of uncertainty and fear and fear of uncertainty, which would be the equivalent of the moments leading up to the jump and the first five seconds of free-falling. Then after the first year, every single moment was like the rest of the free fall and floating in the sky; euphoric. Falling in love with you has been like skydiving for me, and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. YOU were on the other side of fear all along, I just had to let go to get to you.
By letting go of the doubt and the fears and trusting in our strong principles and values as individual people, it allowed for our relationship to blossom. We became more connected spiritually and intellectually, and every day became an adventure with him.
All of this is to say that skydiving solidified my transformation and gave me a new perspective on my life, the way I encounter and solve problems, and how I see the world. To be able to go beyond my fears and embrace the moment has helped new neurons in my brain to fire together, and as the saying goes, “neurons that fire together, wire together.”
